So you think having superpowers would rock balls, huh? Okay, let’s give some of the most popular ones a little reality treatment and see how they stack up in everyday life.
Bear in mind, this assessment doesn’t incorporate the “convenience factor.” In the movies and comic books, the hero blessed with supernatural skills always manages to find himself in situations that just so happen to require his abilities. For example, Lois Lane tumbles out of a helicopter and as luck would have it, Superman can fly and therefore save her. Talk about coincidence.
By the way, you ever wonder if Clark Kent would have cared to become Superman had it been someone other than his love interest dangling from that helicopter seatbelt--like, say, a fat guy with his nasty plumber’s crack exposed? I do, and I doubt it.
Anyway here’s the cynical rundown…
10.) Flight
Wait, what? You’re ranking the power to fly on the bottom? Oh, yeah. Consider: having the power to fly does not imply you can fly fast. Suppose the fastest you can fly is no faster than you can run. Since these days no one runs anywhere as a means of transportation (unless you’re an Olympic sprinter who lives in Manhattan, and if you are, dude, that is so gay), if you can’t get somewhere faster than you would by car, train, bus, or plane, what’s the point?
You can forget about waging war on crime, too. Any crook will just pop a cap in your slow-motion ass the moment you and your tights show up to save the day.
Also, since your body is still just that of an ordinary mortal, you are still vulnerable to high altitudes with the usually freezing, oxygen-starved conditions. So, unless you want to don a pressure suit, air tank, and strap on a set of rocket boots to propel you to practical speeds, flying is all but a useless power in the real world.
9.) X-Ray Vision
Wow, you can see through stuff. You could become a security supervisor at an airport and peer through the clothes of hairy old men, fat chicks, and skanks like Lindsay Lohan for lethal contraband like toenail clippers and hand lotion.
Sure, you could check out the hotties in their birthday suits, but isn’t the fun really in actually getting their clothes off? Prepare to settle in for a life as a full-fledged peeping Tom. You ought to be ashamed of yourself you pervert.
8.) Super Strength
Let’s see, one of your friends or family members is moving and needs help with the heavy lifting. I wonder who they’ll call first.
Really, the only time this power would actually come in handy would be for bar fights, arm wrestling contests, or for bashing your boss’s skull in when he once again turns down your hulky underperforming self for a raise. Don’t think you’ll avoid jail by out-muscling the cops, either. Super strength doesn’t imply your flesh is impervious to bullets. Elephants are pretty damn strong, and all it takes to knock those bastards down is a well shot tranquilizer dart.
Come to think of it, jail is probably the only place super strength would serve you (and your virgin ass) well. No need to knock some weakling out to prove you’ve got cojones, your bulky frame will be enough to ward off any gang banger or butt pirate lying in wait. You’ll also have plenty of extra space to print your jailhouse tats.
7.) Pyrokinesis
Congratulations, you can light yourself on fire and burn stuff down at whim. Psychiatrists have a mental disorder for that. It’s called pyromania.
So society brands you a psycho. Now what, fight crime? Any evildoer with half a cerebellum will know to just blast you with an extinguisher, or lead you unsuspectingly into a water treatment plant so that he can push you into a vat full of water and deadly chemicals.
Again, you’re not bulletproof, and there’s no assuming you’ll be able to out run a criminal and haul him to justice. In essence, you’re basically just a walking fiery ball of shit that can’t do anything except maybe char private property by accident.
6.) Telepathy
The whole charm of being able to read someone’s thoughts is the premise that the human brain thinks in a linear pattern. It doesn’t. Thoughts are like the colorful balls that pop around in those toy lawnmowers, only in your head. Whatever intimate knowledge you pilfer from someone will only emerge as gibberish, leaving you wishing people everywhere would stop thinking and just die. In time, you’ll become an anti-social asshole rivaling any of those emo freaks.
5.) Shape-shifting
At first the ability to alter your appearance may seem like the ultimate godsend. Who hasn’t wanted to be someone else at one point in his life? Maybe even someone famous. But consider, so what if you can physically change into Bill Gates? You won’t have his money, and you sure as hell never will.
The same logic applies for anyone else you care to replicate. Johnny Depp? You won’t get his charisma along with that bizarre, sharp-angled face of his. Bono? You won’t get his ability to perform on stage while looking like a totally pretentious douche bag. Well, maybe that alone makes shape-shifting a power worth having. Yes, kill Bono and then become Bono, and make this world a better place by retiring to a cave somewhere in the Rockies and relieving us all of his obnoxious personality.
4.) Super Speed
Zoom! There goes that naked guy again who can run really fast.
Nothing except metal and certain kinds of plastic can withstand the kind of pressure and friction that’s associated with super sonic speed. So, unless you want to look like some kind of bondage freak in a chain-maille suit complete with conspicuous pee-hole, better avoid hanging around exotic chemicals in the lab on stormy nights.
3.) Teleportation
Ahhh…finally a power that might actually benefit you in some way. Especially if you want to rob a bank. There’s just one little problem. You miscalculated the distance between the outside and inside of the vault, and now your leg is trapped in the titanium lining all the way down to the molecular level. Good going, numb nuts! Hope you brought a bone saw and a high threshold for pain, otherwise your ass is off to prison where you’ll while away your years as a one-legged laughingstock of every thief in the Big House.
2.) Invisibility
Honey, did you feel that bump in the road just a second ago? No? Hmmm…I could have sworn I felt something.
You’re invisible, so no one can see you. Let me put that another way. No motorist can see you. With this power you have to be extra careful doing just about anything, because everything becomes dangerous. One errant jaunt across the highway and you become one flattened hero.
1.) Regeneration
Finally, the only power that is actually useful in real life. Scrape your knee playing two-hand touch? Three seconds later and you’re as good as new. Splatter your guts across the pavement in a motorcycle accident? It’s cool, you’ll be popping wheelies trying to impress that girl in a halter-top on the sidewalk in no time.
You can also eat whatever the hell you want because cholesterol and pesky fat build-up is no longer a concern. Dessert tonight? You’ll order two, maybe three.
The only problem is that if your body can heal itself instantly, it looks like you’re going to be living a long, long extra-long life. So, for our sake, you better have a pleasant, jovial demeanor to console us since we’ll all be aging like suckers while you stay healthy and youthful.
Written by Dean Brooks Here
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